This landing page serves as the central index for all relevant wedding intelligence. Guests are advised to proceed through the evidence carefully, laugh often, and report any suspiciously adorable findings to the nearest champagne-bearing official.
Warning: some files may contain nostalgia, embarrassing outfits, sentimental revelations, unlicensed dancing, and other forms of romantic компромат.
Classification: Совершенно секретно — until the speeches.
Профили объектов / Subject Profiles
Объект A: Joe
- Known aliases: classified
- Distinguishing traits: charm, wit, excellent judgement
- Primary vulnerability: Simon
- Relationship status: fully implicated
Объект B: Simon
- Known aliases: classified
- Distinguishing traits: style, humour, suspiciously lovable
- Primary vulnerability: Joe
- Relationship status: co-conspirator
Хранилище улик / Evidence Locker
Origin File
A chronological reconstruction of first contact, escalating affection and the eventual formation of the Joe-Simon alliance.
Photographic Kompromat
Images documenting suspicious smiles, excellent outfits, holidays, parties and repeated public displays of happiness.
Surveillance Footage
Video files recovered from phones, cameras and unreliable witnesses. May contain dancing.
Witness Statements
Friends and family provide testimony concerning romance, friendship, excellent hosting and other suspicious behaviour.
Timeline of Events
A mapped sequence of significant incidents, emotional escalation and documented co-conspiracy.
Final Operation
Schedule, locations, guest instructions and highly sensitive dancefloor protocols for the day of union.
Ограниченный архив / Restricted Archives
Early Intelligence
Childhood photos, early clues and formative evidence from before the subjects joined forces.
Foreign Operations
Travel reports, holiday images and international incidents of loveliness.
Reception Files
Party plans, playlists, menus, speeches and other highly sensitive celebration materials.